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Protection Fruit (Split w/ April Mei)

by Audrey Otherway

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1.
the night Lora met Ellen, Ellen could barely see she was 6 shots in, more were flashing in cruel hands & Ellen didn't have her Metrocard but Lora had a couch so they left the party holding hands by dark street the whoops & cheers of lesser demons followed them all the way home “how you doing baby”s seemed more violent than ever, they were drunk & together it was a breaking point, couldn't hit the killswitch, ignore til Lora's door shut & just before Ellen trembled to sleep on the couch she said “fuck men, fuck men, fuck men fuck men” Lora'd just moved the neighborhood about 2 months ago found a cafe job & this regular asked her to a party s aid “don't worry, I'm gay, we all are, you'll have a a real good time” she needed a social life, said “fuck it” then in front of his friends, he put his hand on her breasts as a joke said “hey, don't be so uptight, we're all queer here, what's the problem” he didn't want her but he showed her that he owned her like some other guy, some other party she left & cried much later with Ellen who said “fuck men, fuck men, but don't sleep with them make them uncomfortable, lonely, and ashamed fuck men, fuck men, fuck men fuck men” “Ellen, I think I could love you wanna feel yr arms around me want you close & rough & not too tender with them it's a threat but with you could be a turn-on with them it's a threat but with you could be a comfort so let's just wait & get to learn each other better I've got a history, you've got a history I don't think it's anybody's fault it's nobody's fault it's hard” it was a few weeks later, Ellen was going to meet a friend in Prospect Park she'd brought spiced apple cider, it was almost too cold to be out so it felt much crueler in the last warm sunlight to hear “how you doing baby” & be followed for 3 blocks she ignored, he was repeating, but when he passed her & drew a knife she realized the block was deserted, if anyone could've been there, they'd vanished already “how you doing baby” later, it seemed so much later, Lora held her hand & said “darling, I hope you're resting, & I'm so sorry” & all else she could think to say was “fuck men, fuck men, fuck men fuck men”
2.
touring the yuppie neighborhood I realized I was raised for service taught discipline's the key, dollar a week to do our dishes now my mom wonders why I settle being a barista she doesn't even know I play a maid on my days off uh-oh, working every weekend uh-oh, how does anyone fall in love like that uh-oh, I'm not even monogamous uh-oh, it's just getting lonely & the weather's still warm learned about my commitment issues on my roof read 1500 comic pages before texting you again this girl in my store likes my tarot tattoos I tell her sometimes I don't mind being looked at that way uh-oh, let's keep things casual uh-oh, I might get busy making rent & go uh-oh, I'm not even monogamous uh-oh, thank god neither are you & yr partner's so warm not like me I'm so good at my job I'll make tips off of you without even trying I'm so good at hellos so good at hellos uh-oh, but then we keep on talking uh-oh, you're so much of a top I know just how to act uh-oh, I don't wanna be monogamous uh-oh, but it always feels like scene then my cheeks get so warm maybe I should tidy my own house so I won't be embarrassed to share it I'll even let you spoil me then ask if there's anything I can clean up
3.
once again I'm a fuck-up & I haven't slept all night I'm thinking about how hard it was to say no all those times you can't tell me everything & I wanna know how you feel & I don't from my fire escape you can't tell anybody else is near we'll sit here an hour, you don't even have to talk I'm tense & nervous, maybe I think I do that's my fuck-up once again I see all the little nicks I've been collecting on my hands in great detail stay with me, friend when I couldn't breath you tried so hard for both of us stay with me, friend it took us a long time to figure out breath's not something you can share so you shared bourbon but only a little bit I got bad memories with that, you already know it seems getting better's reserved for those already well sometimes maybe from birth we were always gonna be getting tired I know we have different opinions on just which shade of green means you're gonna lose the finger stay with me, friend we can eat the pastries I dumpstered from my own job stay with me, friend when we get sick from that it'll take our minds away from this this shitty tape won't do much to stop my infections but toilet tissue underneath collects most of the blood it all washes off unsticky in the sink hours too soon but it don't cost much to do it all over again all over again over again stay with me, friend where else are we gonna go stay with me, friend
4.
(for Broccolini) bet you think I don't like you but I got all these things to do like shave my legs, drink coffee, take my pills I wasn't human when I woke up but I'm getting closer, closer, closer bet you think I don't wanna be together I just look like shit in this weather with no deodorant, eyeliner, time to eat lunch I wasn't human when I woke up but I'm getting closer, closer, closer I wasn't human when I woke up but I'm getting closer, closer, closer when I can go out with you
5.
happy New Year to the ground outside I'm more different than you houseplant of a teenager with plans to make nothing but vodka to lose would you say it's been an age for me to make some fruit? I'd say my support's rotting from the bottom I'm as tired as you I know things grow up & they need faces I wanna say it's cool I'll be at the party but I'm not changing with you happy New Year to my friends inside I wanna be open to you you're not out of my way or out of my mind no matter what's taken out of me it's all learning how to show this house could use more room time spent between growing and fainting can't say if I'm tired as you shaving! shaving! that one's gonna bleed yeah that one's gonna bleed stay in! shaving! do you like what you see 'cause I think that it might bleed morning! come in! I made plans today watch them circle, drain away evening! still here! hurts less if I stay scab up & I break when the hot water runs out that one's gonna bleed yeah that one's gonna bleed I don't know why I'm still shaving til I bleed trying to bleed
6.
The Kettle 01:55
leave the kettle on cover up in whistling on I'm not resting or thinking straight I don't see bubbles forming on my hand I believe & I intend in the work still to be done I believe & I intend to just not leave anywhere or anyone came down from the ritual on my roof I had nothing more control you left the kettle on long enough for tea then we quit & it was enough it was enough
7.
Come on lazy, off the couch sitting in that Sunday slouch I promise you can eat more ice cream later Come on baby, brush your teeth make yourself something to eat you're such a masterful procrastinator And you can spend your afternoons getting high on the blues you can black and white this world until you're wasted At best you're sad, at worst depressed trying to make something out of your loneliness climbing up that scrap heap and you wonder why you can't sleep It's the terrible horrible story I tell myself When the jury's out, the power's down and I'm by myself the only constant, I'm my own anchor when I'm lost at sea it gets louder and louder and louder and louder It's the terrible horrible story I tell myself Did you know I'm an impostor, did you look real close underneath I'm just a monster in her Sunday clothes and all these city streets won't forgive me now on this cold concrete, it's too late to turn around It's the terrible horrible story I tell myself And have I paid my debt in sadness yet will this be the death of me the punch I pack don't love me back but god damn how well it knows me when all roads lead you to alone there's nothing left to see do push and shove count as self love when you're trying not to draw blood Well I froze myself so cold I couldn't feel at all burrowing into this hole just to avoid the thaw and what if and what if and what if and what if what if I feel it can you feel it now Terrible horrible
8.
Pretty thing, come here, I’m gonna sweet talk your ear off when you say it’s on the house, I smile and slink away sweetheart darling honey baby sugar sweet pea let me get it out of my system I catch my flies with honey but bitterness looks so good on me the kind of pretty you gotta squint to see come here, go away yeah I’ll give you a welcome to overstay Let’s talk about how small I am subwoofed against a wall let’s talk about the noise that drums a tongue against a tied up tongue how I don’t know the strength of my own undertow how gravity pulls harder when you’re drunk Can’t tell what I consent to what you did or what you meant to can’t tell who belongs under my wing do I say how dare you or honey let me hold your hair for you while you get it out of your system And I own up to another bed the playing dumb, the playing dead how I’ve slipped off the hook since then and I thought we were having fun here but who controls the damage done when you want an inch and I give you an arm’s length Who gets to be the creep here little sister you shouldn’t be here who commands a no man’s land where you won’t let go of my hand who’s old enough to buy the booze whose bruises show whose shame is whose what poison do I have to purge to unlearn unlearn unlearn unlearn who gets to protect who from all the things we’ve seen men do when those we can’t believe we trusted have taught us well in spite of us when shame upon more shame’s a sunken continent too deep to name when we can throw our weight hard as anyone And us girls, we can sweet talk all we want we can use our hands and hips all wrong gotta burn that bridge at both ends the kind of ugly you gotta stare to see honey baby sugar sweet pea gotta get it out
9.
(after “You Don’t Know Baby” by Walter Spriggs, performed by Wanda Jackson) You're just a small town wolfhound barking up my skirt you're just a small town wolfhound staring down my shirt you're just a small town wolfhound sniffing me out you're just a small town wolfhound and I'm not gonna Small town wolfhound I'm not gonna fuck you out to get laid eyeing me like 8th grade pound that pavement you're not getting lucky small town wolfhound I'm not gonna fuck you And you keep buzzing round here swarming me like flies I feel your breath in my ear and everywhere your eyes and yeah you think you're so big but honey in the end you're just a small town wolfhound and I'm not gonna You come in here like I'm on show so close up you're fogging up the window with your dog breath trying to chat me up you small town wolfhound I'm not gonna fuck you I'm not gonna fuck you no, I'm not gonna fuck you and you won't, no you can't get lucky with me Cause you don't know how bad my skin crawls you think you're walking me home with compliments comments and cat calls always got me picking that bone and I'm not your baby no, I’m not your baby and you won't, no you can't get lucky with me cause you don't, no you can't know how I feel
10.
It's a normal day we're on a blanket in the park I have to say you're looking pretty, talking smart infatuation is my drug of choice the poison that I pick I want to stuff my face with your sweet self till I feel sick Your arms are warm your face is close, your lips are soft and I'm ok I'm feeling fine, but maybe not and it's too late I froze the moment our lips locked I'll float away just in time to feel my heart anesthetize, become a rock saying nice try, time to backslide might not ever get unstuck it all fades out until I'm numb I keep my baggage tied in slip knots, packed up tight but I let girls like you come in and pick locks overnight I hate the way I talk the talk but walk the walk of shame and I should know it should know it always feels the same Slipping back into old habits in some kind of stone-faced panic might just cut to TV static shhhhhhhhhhhhhh I can only have you for a moment before I get lost or frozen maybe this is the closest that we'll ever come before it all wears off and I'm numb
11.
Water runs clear, water runs dry don't disappear into the tide make yourself clear, draw the divide before it's too late and you're wasting your time Been walking in the shadows of the ones who caught me red the ones who haunt my body and the ones who haunt my bed I keep on saying I'm sorry and I don't remember why I'm toxic now, don't touch me as the waves begin to rise and what do they mean when they tell you to heal I’m not even sure if I'm real don't want to become the shell I became don't let me forget how to say my own name And you know that I love you, yeah you know how I feel but I was made to be alone, so you must not be real let's talk about unworthy and talk about afraid and talk about unearthly and talk about ashamed It gets so hard to hold me when I keep folding in half and shrinking til there's nothing left of me to have Don't come disappear me now Water runs clear, water runs dry am I still here, have I survived

about

notes on content:
Lora & Ellen-- alcohol, assault, sexual harassment, sexual trauma / Bandages-- consent, alcohol, blood / Total Warmth-- BDSM / Shaving-- alcohol, blood, self-harm
Terrible Horrible Story-- depression, self-harm, death / Damage/Control-- sexual consent & boundary crossing, rape culture, alcohol, bruises / Small Town Wolfhound-- street harassment, sexual objectification / Numb-- sexual dissociation / Disappear Me-- mental illness, dissociation, derealization


if you can afford to pay us for this album, please do-- it cost us our time and money, and we're doing this totally as a DIY operation financed only by our service industry jobs. BUT IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO PAY FOR THIS right now but you want to later, or you can't pay for it ever, there is no shame about that, and please find a free download at: archive.org/details/ProtectionFruit

credits

released September 10, 2015

recorded July-September 2015 at Broc's House & Cat House in Brooklyn, NY

engineered, produced, mixed, & mastered by Ana MeiLi Carling & Audrey Zee Whitesides

art by Ana MeiLi Carling
design & layout by Audrey Zee Whitesides

on April Mei tracks:
Ana MeiLi Carling-- vocals & guitar
all music & lyrics by Ana MeiLi Carling

on Audrey Otherway tracks:
Audrey Zee Whitesides-- vocals & guitar
Ana MeiLi Carling-- backing vocals on tracks 1, 4, & 6
all music & lyrics by Audrey Zee Whitesides


thanks to: Mars Dixon, Jade Payne, Mal Blum, Broccolini, Dragbore House, Chase & Raven, Ari Cameron, Dandy Dextrous, Worriers, the Homewreckers, Cutting Room Floor, Mother Tongue, Cosmos, April Herms & Mori Jones & Zuki, & Willie Mae Rock Camp for Girls

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Audrey Otherway New York

solo project of Audrey Zee Whitesides from Little Waist. basically the normal-est gay lesbian you can imagine plus an even more normal acoustic guitar.

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